Why I Don't Like Bars
by warehouseluver13
Summary: For the record, I never liked bars, or their patrons. I'm just here to monitor a certain black haired, onyx eyed man who wishes to be Fuhrer of Amestris someday. So when I decided to tag along with the men as they went bar crawling on Friday night, no one could have guessed how fast the tables could turn when a random drunk chose to piss me off. Possible Royai, only if you squint.
_**My first one shot for the FMA fandom, told from Riza's POV, featuring mainly Roy and Riza, with a guest appearance from Jean Havoc. In my personal opinion, anyone who tries to flirt with Riza at a bar is just asking to die. (Unless it was an onyx eyed man, things would most definitely be different, haha)**_

 _ **Anyways this is for all the Royai, or (my personal favorite name) RoyZa shippers out there. Also, anything in italics are Riza's thoughts.**_

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For the record, I hate bars. Even after all the horror that I saw during the Ishvalan War, I still prefer not to have a shot of alcohol before bed. However, the reason why I sometimes show up to the men's bar nights is to keep our superior officer in line. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm mostly known as Colonel Roy Mustang's, or the Flame Alchemist's, babysitter. The man might dream of being the Fuhrer of Amestris one day, but if he doesn't change his attitude soon, he will be climbing the proverbial military ladder slower than he ever anticipated.

"Lieutenant!" The man in question slurred, as he stumbled back over to the table the rest of the men had picked out for the night. I calmly took a sip of my water, before I rolled my eyes at his usual drunken behavior.

"What is it sir?" I asked.

"I just wanted to say, that your hair is blonde. Very blonde." He flashed his drunk charming smile at me, and once again I rolled my eyes.

"Your observation skills are impeccable sir," I replied. _Here we go again._

"What are you drinking, Lieutenant?" He questioned, and turned his gaze to my tall glass, curiosity quickly taking over.

"It's water sir," I said.

"I'll be right back then," he slurred as he started in the direction of the bar.

I sighed. _If I don't do something now, who knows what trouble he's going to get himself into this time._ "Sir?"

He turned around, and leaned on the table closest to him for support. "Yes Lieutenant?"

"I think I'll get you a refill. You don't look so good. In fact, you should sit down sir."

A frown crossed his face as he made his way back over to our table and sat down. "I'll have you know Lieutenant, when I become Fuhrer of Amestris, I'll be the best looking Fuhrer to ever run this country."

"Thank the stars that won't be very soon," I muttered, and left the table to head toward the bar.

"I couldn't hear what you said Lieutenant!" he yelled.

Without turning around, I simply waved my hand to acknowledge his comment. "That's because you weren't supposed to, sir," I mumbled.

 ***FMA***

I approached the bar and tried to flag down the bartender. A few minutes passed by, when a familiar flash of blue sat down next to me. I knew that this was the only other person to ever bother me when the rest of the men went bar crawling - Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc. "Hey Lieutenant! How's the Colonel holding up?"

I had no idea how I actually understood a word he said, considering his words were slurred right on top of each other, sounding more like, "Heylieutenanthow'stheColonelholdingup?" than an actual question. _I must have become fluent in drunk…_ I frowned and shook my head at that revelation. _I need real friends to hang out with… ones that actually have other ideas of hanging out besides trying to hit every bar in Central before the sun comes up, just for fun._

"The Colonel is holding up rather well, and despite his currently intoxicated state, somehow he can still walk in a rather straight line. How are you holding up?"

Havoc bobbed his head up and down to acknowledge the state of our headstrong leader. "That'sgoodtohearHawkeye…I'mdoingokaymyselfI'mnotatmylimityetandthankthestarsforthatbecauseknowingyou,youwouldmakemegohomesoIcouldsoberupandsomyhangoverwouldn'tkillme."

I sighed, and paused to try to piece together a translation of what he had just slurred. _So he is content with the state of the Colonel… he believes that he has not pushed himself to the limit yet, which in my opinion he left that ballpark at least six drinks ago… I can't help the fact that I am concerned for your well being Havoc… You know, since there is a conspiracy happening right under our noses… ugh._

"WellseeyouMondayHawkeye!" He slurred off a quick goodbye before, um, wobbling? Yeah, wobbling walking away from the bar with what looked to be a glass of water… at least I hoped that's what it was.

Seeing Havoc's glass of water reminded me why I was even standing at the bar in the first place. I needed to get a refill for my drink and grab a water for the Colonel to try to keep his own well being in check. _Black Hayate is easier to deal with than the Colonel…_ I smirked at that thought as I finally was able to flag down a bartender and to place my order. Once the bartender left to obtain my requested beverages, a tall dark shadow fell over me.

"You have got to be fuckin' kidding me…" I muttered, and turned around to glare at the drunk stranger who was unfortunately smirking at me. _Why is it every time I wear my civilian clothes I constantly get hit on by drunks? I need to start wearing my shoulder holster the next time they drag me on their bar crawls…_

"' _ey_ there pretty lady, you're looking pretty fine tonight." The man was not completely wasted, but he was close to reaching that benchmark.

"I'm not interested, please leave," I requested, and strengthened the heat of my glare. _Hopefully this man will get the message and take a hike._

"'ell you're direct… and I kinda like that in a woman," he replied, and decided to move his face within inches of mine, which was quite revolting, since I could smell the alcohol on his breath. _Not like I couldn't before, but that's beside the point._

"H-here you go miss," I turned around and saw the young bartender place my two waters in front of me on the bar, and she quickly examined the situation. "D-do you need me to get the attention of anyone that's in your party?" she shyly asked.

I flashed the young girl a small smile. "It's okay, I can deal with this, but thank you." I grabbed the two waters off the bar and turned back around to find that the drunken idiot had still not moved.

I tried to make my way around him, but he (slowly, but rather quickly for a drunk) moved to block my path every time. And for every counter move, my trigger finger began to itch more and more. _Okay, let's try pleasantries before moving onto violence… in this case it is the last resort._

"Excuse me sir, but my friends are waiting for me," I said.

"Well pretty lady why don't you ditch your friends for me?" he asked.

"I'm the designated driver of my group," I responded, and tried once more to make my way around him. This time he gripped onto my right forearm using just one of his huge hands. I squirmed in his grasp, not wanting to defend myself unless he was going to seriously injure me.

The two glasses fell out of my grasp as he pulled me closer to him. "That's just an excuse," he whispered in my ear.

Despite the fact that I was very much in his personal space – rather he invaded mine – I was willing to give this asshole one more opportunity to leave me the hell alone. However, I never got the chance because I saw a flash of black hair attached to a blue outfit. I sighed; the poor bartender had sought out one of the men from the group to assist me. Not that I needed the assistance, but it was interesting to see how the man could sober up so quickly; at the rate he was moving, it would never have crossed my mind that he was drunk, even though I knew he was most definitely still intoxicated.

"Excuse me sir, but I would like my subordinate back. In one piece, if you don't mind." His polite attitude towards the man actually surprised me. _The Colonel is actually capable of being merciful? This is a new one._

"So she's yours, is she? She's a pretty one. Although, I wonder why she's with you?" the man asked.

"She's actually a member of the military and is a part of my unit. Now if you don't release her, I will not be afraid to take her from you by force."

I rolled my eyes. _Asshole. Always has to play the knight in shining (blue) armor who rescues the damsel in distress. He knows I am far from being anyone's damsel, especially his. But for his sake, I'll allow this ridiculous charade continue. You better end this act quickly, Colonel, otherwise I_ _ **will**_ _take action._

"What the hell does that mean?" the man questioned.

The Colonel locked eyes with mine, like he was trying to convey me a message. I stared back, wondering what he was up to. I guess curiosity was written all over my face, and he smirked.

"Well, it means that the woman in your grip can easily take you out," he casually stated.

My eyes widened, and I understood what he meant. _He's giving me the chance to cripple this bastard before he sends him to the hospital. I guess chivalry isn't dead after all._

The man locked eyes with me, trying to calculate if I was indeed a threat. "You're bluffing," he declared.

The Colonel raised his eyebrows in mock disbelief. "I'm pretty sure I know my subordinate, sir, and I'm telling you that there is no bluff here. She will get out of your grasp."

As the man stared at the Colonel, I saw my opening, and took it. "He's not bluffing." I immediately took action, and used my left elbow to deliver a sharp blow to his floating ribs. A sickening crack was heard, followed by my target howling in pain. The sound of my heartbeat filled my ears drowning out the sound of the bar as I used my right foot to stomp and twist down on his matching limb to loosen his grip on my arm. As he screamed in agony, I felt his grip loosen and quickly freed my right arm from its captor. To finish this… drunken bastard, I spun once more and delivered a powerful palm heel strike using my regained limb to do so. The attack connected with his nose, and he moved his right hand to try to ease the pain. I slipped away and moved to the Colonel's side, and glared daggers at the drunk. I was shocked to see that my attacks only fazed the man, because it seemed like he was still looking for a fight. He growled and tried to regain his stance, but the Colonel wasted no time and swiftly punched the man across the left side of his jaw, making sure the drunk was down for the count.

The future fuhrer dusted the imaginary particles of dust off of his firmly pressed military uniform, and shook out his right hand to compensate for possible pain that was from his attack. He turned to me and smirked. "You know Lieutenant, you should be more careful. It seems like you're the one who gets into more trouble than I do at bars."

"I don't know how that's possible Colonel, seeing as how I'm not the one who's been drinking at every bar stop we've made tonight," I countered.

"I've also noticed how many guys have taken an interest in you tonight, Lieutenant. Trust me when I say that you're more trouble than me and Havoc put together," he said.

"Whatever you say, sir," I replied.

"There's been something I've been meaning to tell you, Riza," he mumbled.

I was shocked but also interested. _The last time he called me by my name was at the cabin to prevent Gluttony from swallowing me… although that homunculus did destroy my favorite shotgun._ "What is it?" I asked.

"I lo-"

"Colonel! Lieutenant! What did I miss?! I heard that Hawkeye was in trouble!" Havoc yelled as he stumbled over, possibly looking for me in distress. _Thanks for breaking the mood Havoc. Who knows if the Colonel will actually try to repeat himself after this incident. I guess I'll never know what he was going to tell me._

"Havoc, Lieutenant Hawkeye is fine. We resolved the problem, no need to worry," said the Colonel.

"Thank the stars you were here, Colonel!" Havoc exclaimed.

The Colonel chuckled. "Alright Havoc, let's call it a night," he said, and slung an arm around Havoc's shoulders to help guide him out of the bar.

I quickly moved to Havoc's right side, and slung my arm over his shoulder, so that he was balanced between the two of us, and we swiftly moved outside to make our way to the car.

"I'm no damsel in distress," I muttered out of frustration.

The Colonel smiled and laughed once more. "I definitely know that, Lieutenant. We all do," he remarked.

I shyly smiled. "Thank you, Colonel." The images of Falman and Breda flashed through my mind, (Furey had called it quits after our second bar stop), and I slightly frowned. _Hopefully they can find their way home._

He smirked. "You're welcome, Lieutenant. I'm going to let Falman and Breda know that we're about to head out to see if either of them want a ride. I'll be back in a minute."

I moved my gaze from the Colonel's retreating figure to the barren night sky, and sighed. _My hatred for bars might run deep in my veins, but that won't stop me from being sucked into another bar crawl with the men on the team. Next time though, it doesn't matter if any of the men are against it, I_ _ **will**_ _be wearing my shoulder holster. This fact will never be up for discussion. If they even try to argue with me, they will find themselves as my targets the next time I decide to practice at the gun range. After all, I haven't practiced using moving targets since my time at the academy… I could use the challenge to check my skills, and it would definitely be an interesting practice session. … Well, it would for me._

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 _ **So did you like it? Was it too OOC for you? Let me know your thoughts by leaving a comment below!**_

 _ **warehouseluver13**_


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